My Empire of Dirt

Thu, 12 Oct 2006 15:25:38 GMT

blah

Thu, 26 Jan 2006 06:13:12 GMT

arrrrrrgh i am so wretched

I was stupid-----

Tue, 24 Jan 2006 09:00:52 GMT

I thought my gw would be enough...but looking at models' measurements online. seeing someone who's 5'10'' and 114 lbs...makes my goal weight not good enough.
i'm such a fucking loser.

miracle!

Tue, 24 Jan 2006 07:31:36 GMT

i went to the bathroom to purge today and stepped on the scale...it was amazing, even with all that nasty food in my stomach, i had lost 2 pounds! might be dehydration, but hey, i was still pretty stoked. that puts me UNDER my gw this month over a WEEK early. boo yah! snowboarding tomorrow...six hours of exercise. Excellent.

Sat, 21 Jan 2006 13:37:30 GMT

Jake, I'm so sorry.

I was stupid. I never talked to you, now you can never hear me.

I always loved you, from the moment I saw you.

I miss you so much...I didn't even have the courage to tell anyone who I was.

Written about in articles as your "girlfriend."

I don't deserve that.

I have always loved you, and always will.

Today's Workout Playlist

Sat, 21 Jan 2006 03:47:15 GMT

Warm-Up:
1. Lucy at the Gym--Jill Sobule

Workout:
2. Cosmopolitan--Nine Black Alps
3. Breaking the Habit--Linkin Park
4. TKO--Le Tigre
5. Jesus Walks--Kanye West (great beat for heavy intervals...steady march)
6. Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo--Bloodhound Gang
7. Push It--Garbage
8. Supermodel--Jill Sobule
9. Papercut--Linkin Park
10. Pain--Jimmy Eat World
11. Of a Life--Echo and the Bunnymen
12. Terror!--The Rakes
13. Faint--Linkin Park
14. Soldier--Eminem
15. Shut Up--Simple Plan
16. It's Your Party--The Lashes
17. Dirt off Your Shoulder--Jay-Z
18. Anorexic Beauty--Pulp
19. D.A.R.E.--Gorillaz
20. What You Waiting For?--Gwen Stefani
22. A Little More for Little You--The Hives
23. Celebrity Skin--Hole

Stretching/Cool-Down:
24. Extraordinary Machine--Fiona Apple
25. Breathe In--Frou Frou
26. Ana's Song--Silverchair
27. Worn Me Down--Rachael Yamagata
28. Perfect--Alanis Morisette

Total Time: 1 hr 31 min 35 sec

Thu, 19 Jan 2006 22:43:26 GMT

another day i fast
the hunger pains won't last
oh baby, i wish i could talk to you

another day i lie
since eating makes me cry
oh baby, i wish i could talk to you

but you won't understand
you'll try to hold my hand
and tell me just how beautiful i am
but honey don't you see
the choice is up to me
you can't say a thing to make me give a damn

i want to die
every time
i look at myself
i want to die
and i don't give
a shit about my health
if i were braver
i would cut myself
instead of holding on
savoring
this sense of emptiness
until the mirror tells me
i am gone

another day of fast
when 30 days have passed
you'll hold me close and say i'm looking thin

another day i lie
i'm pinching at my thighs
i'll lose an inch before i eat again

and you don't understand
you're just a silly man
and you just want a girl who you can break
i'll make myself some tea
to set my body free
i have to to do it for sanity's sake

i want to die
every time
i look at myself
i want to die
and i don't give
a shit about my health
if i were braver
i would cut myself
instead of holding on
savoring
this sense of emptiness
until the mirror tells me
i am gone

"cosmopolitan" by nine black alps

Thu, 19 Jan 2006 22:14:23 GMT

You're not pretty enough
You're not skinny enough
You're not healthy enough
You're not shaking at our touch

You're not lonely enough
You're not holy enough
You're not saying too much
About what you think we want

So shock me
So shock me
So shock me

Well you spend the night
I'll take my life
We'll close our eyes
We'll be dead by sunrise

You're not dreaming too much
You're not sleeping enough
You're not burning enough
Of your body to be loved

So shock me
So shock me
So shock me

Well you spend the night
I'll take my life
We'll close our eyes
We'll be dead by sunrise

You spend the night
I'll take my life
We'll close our eyes
We're so uptight

You spend the night
I'll take my life
We'll kill our time
We'll be dead by sunrise

i'm a terrible person...

Thu, 19 Jan 2006 20:23:24 GMT

i refused to go to court with Sean...it's just a seatbelt ticket, but i faked a headache instead of going as a witness (i was driving the car). i feel bad, but i think it's mostly my fear of losing him....as much as i don't want him around. plus, i can pretend i ate while he was gone, which means i won't have to eat for most of the day, especially if i do the dishes and take out the trash (no evidence). he keeps asking if i'm eating enough and making me tally calories. yesterday i got a bit angry and told him i'm a big girl, and i don't need him to play caretaker role, that i'm perfectly capable of listening to my body and feeding myself when i need it. i could win an oscar.

god, i wanna binge so bad.

Thu, 05 Jan 2006 12:51:56 GMT

thank god the only olga's is in thousand oaks. maybe i'll get a fajita pita w/no cheese at jack in the box tomorrow (only 300 calories, but i've allowed for it)

but what i really want is olga's...a giant thing of teri fries...but i'd hate myself for months.

my tips and tricks (for ana)

Thu, 05 Jan 2006 10:04:26 GMT

1. before i eat, i step on the scale. is that number what i want it to be? no. won't eat yet. i'm still too fat.
2. if i feel like binging, i strip naked and look in the mirror, then pinch the fat parts on my body hard. that makes them hurt so i'm reminded of them when i'm tempted to binge.
3. tea, and LOTS of water.
4. meditation...thinking about my ideal self...three seconds of tasting something fattening isn't worth the 'fattening' of my body.
5. websites, thinspiration, fashion magazines, watching a Milla Jovovich movie...
6. planning out my meals for the week. if i have a schedule, there's guilt involved when i stray from it. it shows weakness.
7. bikram yoga. i have to go on an empty stomach, and if i see people when i get home, i tell them i stopped for something on the way back. plus, i've shed up to 5 pounds during a class before. mostly water weight, but it still gives me a major boost when i step on the scale at home, and encourages me to keep up my discipline.
8. writing and reading.
9. dirtying up plates and leaving them around, along with food wrappers, so it looks like i've been snacking. luckily i only have 1 person watching over me.
10. weigh-ins after every meal.
11. trimspa---really takes away the appetite. made it easy for me to stay under 300 cals every day this week, and burn them off at the gym.
12. the measuring tape--even better than the scale, because i see what's coming off and where.
13. negative calorie foods ONLY, plus lean deli meat and tofu for protein.
14. giving myself a small cut for every 100 cals over my limit i go.
15. getting a set of red beaded stretch bracelets. every time i reach a weight goal i put one more on. if i fail, one gets taken away.

i did it...

Wed, 04 Jan 2006 23:18:17 GMT

24 hours without food...i've lost 10 pounds this week. i feel amazing. still way too fat, though.

Tue, 03 Jan 2006 12:11:44 GMT

i think johhny knoxville is the hottest man on the planet.

yesterday i exercised away more calories than i ate, so walking around was making me faint today.

so i had the boy take me home.

and we got in a car accident.

fuck me.

i ate way too much.

i am so FUCKING zen

Tue, 03 Jan 2006 11:58:24 GMT

cindy and tyra
pretty girls known by one name
that's why i have two

dreams

Sat, 31 Dec 2005 11:52:01 GMT

i dream of an ana commune...a place with no food, just meditation and fasting on and on forever, with trails to run on, grass to lie on, quiet streams to relax by, and no one ever telling me i'm too thin...just happy, skinny girls and boys who would support and love each other.
call me idealistic.
i dream of the perfect place.

the OC?

Sat, 31 Dec 2005 09:40:24 GMT

sometimes I think "OC" stands for "obsessive compulsive."

i think there's a ghost in my apartment.

i don't even know if i believe in ghosts.

regardless, i probably just pissed it off.

autoerotic asphyxiation

Fri, 30 Dec 2005 10:47:50 GMT

i'm watching the episode of six feet under where this Jewish man dies during autoerotic asphyxiation, and i was thinking about the times I've asked Sean to clasp his hands around my throat when we're in bed. he's here now, but he fell asleep, and i ate some crackers, the little goldfish. i'd been playing Quake, i had a bloodlust tonight, but only my own, apparently, because killing computer-generated characters wasn't working, and neither was biting the heads off of stupid crackers...i don't know why it would ever work, but i'm hoping one of these days, something else will be able to help me, that i'll channel these fucking emotions somewhere else, away from myself. it's never worked once in ten years, but i'm always hoping this will be the time.
i know it never will, though.
this is all i have.
this is all i am.
it's the only thing that's never left me, that's let me know that all these obsessions i have are not faults, that this is the only part of me that hasn't changed.
i purged the crackers, then cut my arm with a razor a few times to atone for eating them. i hope i got rid of all of it. i'll take some laxatives so i'll feel nice and sick tomorrow, far too sick to eat.

i hate it when people tell me "just eat something." fuck them.

Fri, 30 Dec 2005 09:28:23 GMT

that's like telling a pre-treatment alcoholic to just "not drink."
how many people has that worked for? not too many.

Champagne Supernova

Fri, 30 Dec 2005 08:30:49 GMT

My fucking boyfriendish-guy-thing watched me eat today, forced me to eat a whole salad and soup. I just sneaked out and purged anyhow. I don't believe this. It's like college, when my super-skinny roommates heard me throwing up and staged an intervention because I'd lost 10 pounds in two weeks, even though my other roommate starved herself all the time. No, when I do it, it isn't okay, because I'm the fat one. They didn't want me to get skinny because then I'm just as hot as they are. Bitches.
I'm glad I got these bracelets to cover up the cuts on my arms, whine whine whine, here I am, I'm so sad. I really want to take a bath right now. I keep yelling at this guy and trying to get him to leave me alone. at least I have my own apartment, no parents or roommates to make sure I eat. And I can exercise all the time, since there's a gym in my building with no attendant. sweet.
i need to get a scale.
i hate the holidays.